Some great words I've just recalled that I can't get out of my freakin head

Just like every cowboy sings a sad sad song
Every rose has it's thorn

Matt, I only have one home number and the ringer is turned off. I don't ever answer that. It's strictly there for DSL purposes. I turned my cell off by accident. ( i dropped it and didn't realize it was off) SORRY! I discovered it this morning. 8-( I thought you had just changed your mind.

I have two home numbers of yours and a cell. I called 'em all.

Matt,
What number did you call? The funny guy I told you about before is David Sedaris. I've got all of his books. He writes essays that arejust Hilarious. The other author is the one that wrote Sellevision (the one i was telling you about). His name is Burroughs. He also wrote one called Running With Scissors (which I am reading next.)

That is such a sad story. I feel sorry for the rich guy. He must have moved "from the table" to Mars.

You know who else is funny: Ann Coulter. In today's column she says that Lott is a Democrat (because of his Dixiecrat roots). She goes on to say that Republicans have to be careful of letting Democrats into their party, since they are racist. She must not have read her other columns where she points out how all Muslim-Americans are terrorists.
She is still a genious. I mean, calling Trent Lott a Democrat? I never would have thought of that. Brilliant.

Monica, I tried calling you last night, but I must not have called the right number. I thought of a good Christmas present. Let me borrow some of those books you have read. You were telling us before of a funny author here on the Blog. Any other other books or authors of note you are interested in or recommend?

I don't like it when they beat up the black guy.

I don't get it.

Jose Conseco filed for the third largest bankruptcy in the United States last night. How much steroids do you have to take to be 6.5 billion dollars in debt?

I wouldn't go that far.

It was an atrocimacy I say!!!

2 - States. We need 2 states.

There's no culture. There's no spies.

I was reading a web site that was asking for "nostradamus" predictions for the future, and I've been thinking about sending in pavement lyrics.

not to get too political here, but what was so bad about Lott's coment's about how that old gas bag should have won the presidency back in the day? i mean think about it. he didn't ecactly say that he was pro-segragation. and what's so bad about segregation anyway? i think we nothern people (ie; intelligent folk) should segregate ourselves from southern folk (ie; morons.)

As far as the civil war went, I'm all for the abolition of slavery, but how feasible is it to create a perfect union with the likes of Mississippi and Texas? sounds like an oxymoron to me. Texas has already made a mochery out of our presidency, and now it's tarnishing another one of our greatest American institutions with the Dallas Cowboys.

fyi: Ronaldo is much more then just a soccer player. he's a god to millions. eminem is a douche bag.

Matt, You can add this site to my beaver links....... www.shag.com and also www.eonline.com/On/AnnaNicole/?tne

Here are interesting statistics on web searches - 2002 Year-End Google Zeitgeist
Search patterns, trends, and surprises.
Stats on Top 20 Gaining Queries, Top 20 Declining Queries, Top Stories (Iraq!), Top Women [by country] (Britney Spears, J-Lo), and Top Men, (Eminem, Ronaldo [soccer player]).

Also, Bob Marley is a top celebtity in France.

What stood out for me was the crazes that were sweeping the Internet that I had never heard of before. One concerns this song that is sweeping the globe called Las Ketchup, which they track as it rises in popularity through various countries, and the other was this phenomenon known as "All your base are belong to us" (which is in the 2002 declining queries). All your base are belong to us is geeky Internet humor that has its origins in the dialogue of a translated Japanese to English video game. It is funny because it makes no sense. My kind of humor.

I'm not sure how she feels about it. I remember her mentioning awhile ago how she wanted another kid, so I'm sure she expected this. And how could she not? That is what happens when you have sexual intercourse. That is where I see the point of some pro-lifers. If you don't want a baby, don't have sex! (I've come to realize that I'm pro-life, but not a fanatic, and I understand the need for abortion in some cases.)
It is like what Brian is always preaching to me when we are drinking - about "people need to take responsiblity for there own actions" and "blah blah blah blah blah blah *burp*".

The lotr premiere is tomorrow Moni, and I am going as Gandalf the Grey.

To say "Thank you" in Portugese, say "Obrigado". In German it is "Danke." French, "Merci." Italian, "Grazie."

Way to go Chino. I'm sure little Kaleel is gonna be a great big bro. The question is....... how does Krystine feel about this?

All this talk about devient sexual behavior...
Do you know where sex gets you? Barefoot. And pregnant.
My sister's birthday is this Friday, and Chino gave her a wonderful gift: a baby.
She is pregnant. That means I have another neice or nephew coming along. I wonder if that means she isn't going to get her fishbowl at Two Brothers and then go to the Spot this weekend when she turns 24.

You know Mike, I just a few minutes ago noticed the Little Homie you put on my CD shelf those weeks ago. My powers of observation aren't exaclty up to the level of Sherlock Holmes. Or should I say, Sherlock Homie?

Only Kidding... I am actually not buying Christmas gifts this year for anyone. Will somebody else please get matt Anal Beads for Christmas? He thinks they are amazing.

Matt thanks for solving the dilemna i had faced of what to buy you for Christmas. You just became easy to shop for.

Anal beads are amazing. They make great Christmas gifts.

just to set the record straight, that last post was Kevin's. As far as my love life goes - I've got a nice mexicano boy that's been hitting on me lately Whatever ... I'm not proud.

So Kevin made a video of this girl stripping right.....From a production standpoint it was amazing...good soundtrack, good editing. Yet as I watched this video, which I must say only had a few ummm memorable "tit-shots" for the most part I was disappointed. One, I was hoping Kevin would have been able to coerce this girl into doing something more. For example, the infamous "masterbate with a brush" scene. Or the amazing anal bead thing.....something like that. And although this is still a movie in progress...well its more like chapters of a DVD, and despite the fact that this is all true and I do know this girl....I still found myself disappointed and wanting more. Should I feel guilty about this? Should I feel guilty because I know her? Should I feel bad that Kevin has seemingly sunk to the level of such internet porn entrepreneurs like the guys from BANGBUS.Com? (geniuses in their own right)

Joe, I think that is definitely a wise choice. I drove by Soldier Field yesterday, are they ever gonna get that thing finished?
Matt you went to see lotr? was it great?

Hey Steve, I saw your car out at Parkway Point Friday night as I was going to purchase LOTR: The Two Towers tickets. What movie were you watching?

Also, I saw in the Illinois Times that everyone is encouraged to wear their "Middle Earth attire," so does that mean you will be dressing up as Legolas the Elf or Gimli the Dwarf? My friend Eric Fliege is going and he will be dressing up as the beautiful elf Arwen (As played by Liv Tyler!).

Oh my god. I was looking for tips on how to destroy the AT-ST before he kills all the prisoners I was trying to save in the Star Wars: Jedi Knight 2 - Jedi Outcast game, when I came across an interesting paper on negative themes George Lucas is pushing in his Star Wars movies.

Here is an excerpt:

"And yet, in "The Phantom Menace," Lucas wants us to gush with warm feelings toward a cute blond little boy who will later grow up to murder the population of Earth many times over? While we're at it, why not bring out the Hitler family album, so we may croon over pictures of adorable little Adolf and marvel over his childhood exploits! He, too, was innocent till he turned to the "dark side," so by all means let us adore him."

Oh man, it goes on and on. The name of the article is

"Star Wars" despots vs. "Star Trek" populists
Why is George Lucas peddling an elitist, anti-democratic agenda under the guise of escapist fun?

It is buried two-fifths of the way down in this long rambling essay at AAMP.

Here is the heart of the article:

"By now it's grown clear that George Lucas has an agenda, one that he takes very seriously. After four "Star Wars" films, alarm bells should have gone off, even among those who don't look for morals in movies. When the chief feature distinguishing "good" from "evil" is how pretty the characters are, it's a clue that maybe the whole saga deserves a second look.

Just what bill of goods are we being sold, between the frames?

* Elites have an inherent right to arbitrary rule; common citizens needn't be consulted. They may only choose which elite to follow.

* "Good" elites should act on their subjective whims, without evidence, argument or accountability.

* Any amount of sin can be forgiven if you are important enough.

* True leaders are born. It's genetic. The right to rule is inherited.

* Justified human emotions can turn a good person evil.

That is just the beginning of a long list of "moral" lessons relentlessly pushed by "Star Wars.""

Fun stuff.

Revenge does not solve anything.

Want to get revenge on someone? How about sending their bio to 500 inmates for romantic correspondence?

All the info is here. http://www.very-special-woman.com/bio.htm

I'm gonna go with Girl. Girl. Cheese Whiz. Nun.

If you ask nice I can tell you where to get the Brittany and Anna video.

Help. I'm trapped at work and I'm bored. And it's only 9:30.

danger schmanger. You beavers out there have a good weekend.

Hey now, that's dangerous thinkin'.

I've always been fond of hairly little beavers. Someday I suppose.

So what is everyone's top sexual fantasy?

I'd like to do it in something like mud or pudding sometime.

Fark.com is very informative. Thanks for showing us this news site, Mr. Wanless. I particularly like the story about aliens pledging to support the US in a war against Iraq. I'm going to reconsider my position based upon these patriotic extra-terrestrials.

...

Matt...... not another word. Maybe i need to deal with my own insecurities of myself as a person and then i wouldn't have issues with yours. Oh well. I won't speak of it again.
How bout those "ex gays" huh? trying to scare our gay youth straight. I say be gay and be proud.

Monica, lighten up sister.

ex gay? Geez Matt....... What is up? Have you talked to someone about this rapid personality changing?

Speaking of Monty Python - How to tell if your child is becoming homosexual: he is too satirical.

ex-gays ex-gays

rama lama ding dong

I just found out the History club for Film Night will be showing "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," a historical film about the Middle Ages.

UIS is so much cooler than ISU.

No, that is not fair. I am just trying to incite a "fun riot" between myself and Mike.

[I got this story in an e-mail from GLOBAL Diversity, the GBLT group at UIS, who got is from a news service called THE LIST, from hatecrime.org]

"EX-GAYS" HITTING HIGH SCHOOLS AND COMPANIES

The "ex-gays" - a fake organization that the religious right cooked up
years ago to help take away the civil rights of gay people - now have a
new target, youth and businesses. As you should know by now, about ten
years ago, anti-gay activists cooked up this idea that if they found a
few people who would pretend to be "gay people who prayed and went
straight," they would then sell this to the American public as "proof"
that any gay person could become straight. I am not joking. They're
incredibly hateful people. Spouting off about "science" that proves
gays are prone to molesting children, that the reason you're gay is that
you were sexually molested by your father (that one was news to my
dad), and that a lot of us are gay because God put a "curse" on us (not
kidding about that one either). These folks are 100% certifiable nut
cases.

Forget the fact that the number one "ex-gay" spokesman, John Paulk, was
caught hitting on a young guy in a gay bar two years ago in Washington,
DC (the "ex-gay" dope was hitting on an off-duty staffer of the Human
Rights Campaign, doh!) Forget the fact that their chief "ex-gay" youth
spokesman, Wade Richards, has now left them and admitted that they're
all fakes. Forget the fact that the largest "ex-gay" group in England,
Courage, has now closed it doors and admitted that it was a fraud.
Forget the fact that most of the heads of these "ex-gay" groups - the
folks who say they have the secret to preventing homosexuality in YOUR
kids - have gay kids themselves who they don't seem to be able to cure.
And forget the fact that most of the "ex-gay" success stories - all 5 of
them - are folks on the payroll of religious right bigots who make
money off of attacking gay peoples' civil rights.

Anyway, what these people are doing now is suggesting that high schools
and businesses adopt "ex-gay" non-discrimination policies and "ex-gay"
clubs. Major stumbling block here? There are no "ex-gays," so who you
going to sing Cumbaya with? Other than that, sounds like a chipper
idea. Perhaps we can have Santa Claus and Easter Bunny non-
discrimination policies too (I always thought Rudolph was a bit nelly,
and don't even get me started on that twink of a dentist-elf Hermey).

Good morning everyone. Sorry I confused you Monica for a non-lesbian. I say your name at the top of Brian's post and I must have thought it was yours. Brian DOES come off that way. Kidding...kidding...

Matt became "the dude" when "moronic matt" didn't work out. Frankly I"m a little worried about our friend. He's changing identities more often then he changes his shoes. Matt--- it's time to get some help.

Tonight is the lowest point in Chicago Bears history. Can anyone dispute this? The only high point was their punters performance.

It's quite an honor to be named employee of the year. However, it's similar to being named player of the year for the Chicago Bears - not a huge accomplishment. With my 50 dollar gift certificate I'm thinking about buying a Maynard Bears jersey.

Mattie- Good luck on those finals. Having fun with those barbie dolls? I'm a little confused as I think you are too. I don't come off what way? I think that question was posed by one Brian Wanless. I think you got us mixed up. Yes People are dumb. Lots of dumb people out there. Does anybody out here know if bullfrogs really have beards? And Brian------- I am NOT always depressed. Ask Matt. The old Monica used to get down a lot..... but as of late the old Monica has taken a vacation and new improved happy as can be Monica has taken over. Matt and Mike can vouch for that. Have a great day everyone....... Happy Blogging.

Here is a myth with a beaver in it from an Oregon homeschool website.

How Raven Stole Back the Cedar Trees
There once was a village up north near the Pacific Ocean. One day a girl named Small Foot who lived in the village noticed that there were no cedar trees! Raven also noticed and began searching for them right away. He was about to give up for that day when he saw Beaver carrying a bunch of cedar trees! Raven followed Beaver to his home and there laying by the water were all of the cedar trees that were stolen. Raven turned into a beaver and asked Beaver if he could help. He said, "Yes." As soon as Beaver wasn't looking Raven turned back into a crow and took all of the cedar trees back to the village. When he got back he put all of the trees back in place. The people in the village thanked Raven, and Raven flew into the bright sky.

One nightmare final down, one to go...
Damn, it just won't end! Ok, while I'm waiting for Professor Dezhgosha to grade my program, I'll vent here on the blog. I'm going to look up some beaver myths when I get a chance. I know that little bastard has some legends attached to him.

Ok, finals are done. Yippeee!
I love everyone! (irrational exubberance)
[One second later...]
I hate everyone. (illogical fright)

I can play with my emotions like girls play with their barbie dolls. Their so easily manipulated.

Mike is the Bee's knees. Brian is the Cat's pajamas. Monica is the leopard's stripes. Joe is the bullfrog's beard.

You don't come off that way at all, Monica. That is an uncomfortable situation. In my experience, people are dumb. People are always questioning my sexuality or gender. They don't take that second it takes to figure out I'm a boy. Lazy skunkers.

Manic whatty what? I don't think so. I think I'm just a freak. Actually, it is my natural rythm. Or maybe it is unnatural, but i doubt it. We can't all be John Wayne: cool as a cucumber all the time. I freak out often. It is part of growing up.

Monica, your always depressed. Hope your feeling better. Mike, congrats on the recognition. Your the bees knees.

So my director told everyone that works for my agency last night that I wasn't gay. I'm not exactly sure how to feel about that one. I didn't know my sexuality was being questioned in the first place. Do I come off that way???

CONGRATULATIONS to Mike on being awarded Employee of the Year at the O.G. What an honor. SPEECH SPEECH!
Matt I think it's definitely your attitude that sucks. Sounds like you are suffering from Manic depression. I had that once.

i was voted employee of the year at the olive garden, but i don't know why. i don't think i necessarily fit in there, but i still got the most votes. search me. you never know how much people appreciate you sometimes.

Do you guys know what a computer science dork looks like? Me.

I'm so moody. Moody moody moody. up down up down up down. Is it my emotions that suck or is it my attitude?

We teach people how to treat us

For real, I straight up told this faculty member that I don't mind putting 16 exams online for her, because that is my job to assist faculty. But I do want to be appreciated.
I told her that.
And you know what? Friday she came up to me in person a month later and said, "Thank you so much." I fucking love to be appreciated. Sometimes, I swear I'll do anything for acceptance or admiration. I mean, isn't that a big part of job retention? If your boss or coworkers simply rate you favorably? On the Best Buy employee survey, there are questions like, "Do you have a best friend at work?" and "Does your boss touch you appropriately when you deserve to be touched after making a big sale for the company?" Ok, not exactly that last question, but my point is that managers know that ass-kissing employees makes 'em feel good and will give them more reasons to work hard and stay. Hell, if it was all about the money, many of us would just stay home.

For serious, I don't care anymore. The left's radical vision will destroy the world, and so will the right's. So who fucking cares who destroys it first? Have at it, boys! The world is yours!

I want answers too, dammit. I am always searching, searching, searching... The answers always come back contradictory. I can't find many absolutes. I am the kind of poor soul who even questions the Ten Commandments. Should thou really not kill? What are guns for, then? Why is it ok to kill murderers? UGH!

You know what? Whatever fits the situation. That is my theme song. The short version can fit on a t-shirt: "Whatever".

Monica, I swear I was only doing Marc a favor. I had worked for Joe, and I at least owed Marc that much. He is a good guy. I don't plan on doing much politiking after this. Unless the "Jews for Satan" party puts up a candidate. Oh wait, they already have - his name is G. W. Bush.

What is this "moronic matt" business all about? When did he become a moron? I see he is back on the political trail; ringing people's doorbells and soliciting political literature or asking for signatures. Matt I thought you had given it all up? I thought politics were falling away from your future? I want answers!

Astronomy picture of the day. Remind me to put this one on my list of links.

Also check out cool 404 error page

That is the way we politely ended all our visits.

Last night was a Rockabilly/Honkey-Tonk/Hip-Hop/Rap show at the Underground in the Hilton. Good show, great contrast. Kudos to Brian for bringing Robust, Qwel, and Offwhyte to Springfield. I really wanted to stay and see Offwhyte, but I had to go. To learn more about the label these artists are on, or just see what Wanless spends his time involved in, visit Galapagos4.com.

I don't understand. Why did you tell him to have a nice weekend?

I went out canvassing for Marc Sanson this afternoon. He is running for Ward 6 Alderman. It is a unique experience going door to door asking your neighbors for something (in this case, signatures). With several people, the first thing out of thier mouths was, "What are you selling?" And there is always that retired person wanting to tell you there life deeds. We went up to one house today, complete with Jesus and "We vote Pro-life" stickers in the window, and I noticed when the old man opened the door, he was listening to Rush Limbaugh really loud. He was nice enough. Told us about when he was a mail carrier 25 years ago and delivered mail to these same neighborhoods near Glenwood. But we had work to do, so we left. But not until saying, "Have a nice weekend."

Response to Monica's Ultimatum: I hired Brian Wanless as entertainment consultant to keep the entertainment value of the Wily Beaver up. I know our ratings our down among 26 year old Family Video employess, and that is our most attractive market.
We have to ask ourselves, What would Fox News do?

I'm finishing up some heavy school projects and finals week is next week, so my posts are limited right now. But after this weekend, the Biblical flood of Moronic Matt's incoherent ramblings begin! Get out your ark!

BEAVERS UNITE!!!! I know that the holidays can be a bit stressful and cause everyone to get a little busy, but I am afraid you guys are out shopping too much (matt). Where have all the beavers gone? You guys aren't posting much of anything to entertain me these days. I need reasons to keep coming back here. Happy beavers we are all and to all a beaver night!

Batman---he is the caped crusader.

What's all this about red velvet cake? I'm not sure what that is. Would one of you be willing to educate me on the subject?

Oh yes, quite rediculous old chap.

Matt, That's pretty ridiculously funny!

Here is a ridiculous link, for those of you who have ever seen the footage of the '69 moon landing.

One small step for man...

I think you guys are sounding sillier and sillier all the time.

I was just looking for my promise ring CD, and I found it at Jim's, but i found also that I still wanted to ask the question.

So I reframed the question. But instead of "Promise Ring - Wood/Water CD" I put "strawberries."

Emo is hella cool. Red velvet cake tastes hella good. Mike's second grade girlfriend is hella cute. I am hella outta her(e).

sounds like a post promise ring project Matt.

on that note promise ring broke up. there's an analogy here somewhere.

all the notes have died. on that note, my farts are smelling like freshly popped butter popcorn, and I can't stop thinking about my second grade girlfriend. Long live EMO

Has anybody seen my strawberries?

Red velvet cake is delicious. No doubt about that. I hope you got everything you wanted for your birthday.
I hope all of the beavers out there had a beautiful tgiving day (however you chose to spend it).

That is a delicious red velvet Birthday cake you smell, Monica. My favorite. I'm tearing up over the beautiful love story of Mr. and Mrs. N 5.

Married at 26? Not bloody likely for this beaver, but one never knows...

Do I smell birthday cake? Matty welcome to 26.

Happy Birthday Eve Matt.

Today is the last day of my 25th year, and I'm so grateful. What an incredible year it has been!
Last year at this time I began suffering with a painful nerve disorder, which took me a full six months out of work. I'm still recovering, but that is the point. I am recovering. Chiropractic care works. It gets better every day, but there are days where the pain is still very noticable. I have had to adjust, and reschedule around this new deficiancy in my body. I have also learned a lot about the fantastic human machine (I had no idea how thoroughly the nervous system controls muscle contraction, pain reception, heat and cold detection, internal organ stimulation, etc.)

It has been a busy (read: beaver) work year, I've been chugging right along through school, and have had 3 jobs, all successful. (I had to quit DHS/ORS around January last year because I could not touch a keyboard or pick up a pen without excruciating pain.)

I have learned alot about global politics and how the world is run on the large scale, which is quite fascinating stuff. I have always appreciated the Big Picture. i did get overwhelmed for awhile with the frightening, seemingly immutable size of it all. I'm centering myself daily.

i have learned how much the little things matter, and how they affect the big things in a million significant ways.

Joe, that is disappointing because I would like to read it.

The ghost of the Wily Beaver takes his archives now and then, Joe.

It is nice to hear from Mr. Lanter, too. What a blessing we have been given! What is Monrovia?

This is why I give up on making fun of Illinois politics. They make it too obvious, and I like subtle humour.

Mr. Natale, you still have not posted your latest column to the Wily Beaver. From those of us who do not read the Business Journal, we still want to read your column!

Besides, maybe that would inspire others to post their writings. I have always envisioned this blog to be a myriad of voices screaming to drown each other out. Help me achieve my dream.

Ach!
Purged?
Or censored?
How many of you can name and describe Monrovia?

"My shyness is a handicap I have to live with. When I say "Fuck you" to a girl who's minding her own business, or "those ducks in the creek are planning something," I'm not crazy. I'm stating the product of a complex internal process. "

Commentary from the Filthy Critic's review of Adam Sandler's new movie, Punch Drunk Love.

Matt Komanecky says: This guy speaks to me.
I'll do my damndest Joe, to get the voice recognition software to you on Thanksgiving.

From my experience, most people try Dragon for a month and then quit using it. That's all I'm saying. It is a nifty program to mess around with, and I encourage you to try it out. I can send you my copy anytime.

Matt Komanecky says: "I am nothing if not sober."

My new circus is going to be a Beaver circus, where Beavers sit around and type their short, adroit remarks into an electronic journal, or log. Hilarity will thus ensue as fast as the wit can be poured into said web log, also known as a "blog."

Oh wait, it looks like my circus dream has already come true. Three cheers for the Wily Beavers!

Monica says "out of the politics 'phase'? I'll believe it when i stop hearing about it!" I'm glad to hear it matt. The circus idea sounds great as well. If you need clowns or ringmasters or popcorn vendors just let me know as i was going to start looking for a part time job. I get bored easily as you know.

Metadata makes me cry too, but then again, I cry alot lately. Data that explains the structure of data. Fab-u-lous.

Monica will be happy to hear that I am out of my politics "phase." Anyone have any suggestions for what the next phase in my life should be? I'm thinking of joining a circus. Actually, making my own circus, without animals. I am redefining what a circus is. Every moment of my life will be a circus. Spontaneous human action (Except that I am incapable of spontaneity).
(I'm kidding about this phase idea. My friends M and M seem to think that my life is divided into phases, but I think they confuse my personality with my haircuts.)

If want to mess around with Dragon NaturallySpeaking, Joe, be my guest. I useful for about five minutes (but not the five minutes that you expect).

On the website, Billionaires for Bush (or Gore), they have parodies of protest chants designed for billionaires. My favorite ones go like this:

This is what PLUTOCRACY looks like!

Big money united shall never be defeated!
The rich united shall never be defeated!

Attention Bloggers: I need to conduct some interviews with those of you that protested the IMF convention. If you could send me your e-mail adresses to mjmann102@hotmail.com, that would be great. Thanks.

Pretty clever caption Joe. You deserve at least 5,000 dollars.

What's going to be your caption joe?

Joe,

the web adress for the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest is www.cartoonbank.com/caption.asp. I tried to get the link to insert, but I couldn't figure it out.

oh yeah, have any of you read any of David Sedaris? He's a great writer. I highly reccommend you pick up one of his books of short stories (their all true to his life). He will keep you laughing. If anybody is interested, I have books you can borrow.

By the way all of you Harry Potter fans out there, The Chamber of Secrets receives a 2 thumbs up in my book. The movie was good. Can somebody do something about the release of book 5? I am growing impatient.

One order of a most pleasant night; coming right up! Give my friend Monica a double helping.
I am at my second job now, I like it more than my morning job and more that my classes at night.

a nine iron might drive me over the edge. I'm not sure. Keep plugging away at it. Steve seemed really nice, I met him at family video. I helped him to locate a movie and then signed him up for a rental membership. I recognized his name. I asked him if he knew you. What a small world. You kids have a most pleasant Monday night. I'll be at work!

What is it going to take to drive Monica over the edge? I'm trying so hard. I'll just keep at it.

How about this? Al Queda was created and funded by the CIA.

BAM! It is so true you cannot deny it. And if you did deny it you would be in denial. POW!

Steve is as sweet as a baked pumpkin seed. Where did you meet him at?
I can wait until christmas. I am a patient boy. I wait and I wait and I wait and I wait (Fugazi - waiting room).
I have one word for X-mas this year. ARGH!

B-B-B-Bender and the Jets.
(You see Joe, it all comes 'round.)

Matt don't worry about a life.... i went shopping in chicago all weekend and i think i found you a new one. Don't worry, it's good. I'm getting it for you for christmas. Can you hold out that long? I met your friend Steve Odom on Friday. Nice guy. Hello to everyone else out there. I'm going insane from all of matt's political jargon here. His plan to drive me insane is working.

Does anyone know where I can find a life? Mine doesn't work anymore.

On Futurama last night, Fry was staging a protest outside of a museum to get his fossilized dog back. With a bullhorn he was rallying the protestors with his cry of:

"What do we want?"
"Our dog back!"
"When do want it?"
"Our dog back!"

And before that, Leela was telling Fry that protesting accomplishes nothing. He replied, "Then that is what I'll do."

Bender the bending robot made an appearance on the Simpsons.

King of the wild frontier.

"19 terrorists in 6 weeks have been able to command 300 million North Americans to do away with the entirety of their civil liberties that took 700 years to advance from the Magna Carta onward. The terrorists have already won the political and ideological war with one terrorist act. It is mindboggling that we are that weak as a society."

- Rocco Galati, David Icke's lawyer in the Richard Warman case.

I'm starting up a non-profit called "Laptops for Ghetto Kids."
My company will buy labtop computers with wireless Ethernet cards for mobile Internet access and give them to inner city poor Springfield children.

We'll make sure every kid has one so they won't fight and steal over them.

This way, they can get the education that they will never get at Springfield public schools. It is sort of like home schooling, only tailored to the individual. Each child can research whatever he or she in interested in.

After one six months, each kid will have to take the following eighth-grade final exam from 1895 from Salina, KS to receive additional funding, upgrades, and attention.
As a part of our business plan, we do not reclaim the laptops.

You guys have thirty days to get in on the ground floor of this once in a lifetime opportunity.

---

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 from Salina, KS. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smoky Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS - 1895
Grammar
(Time, one hour)

1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run.
5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7. - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic
(Time, 1.25 hours)

1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50 cts. per bu., deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per m?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History
(Time, 45 minutes)

1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, and 1865?

Orthography
(Time, one hour)

1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic orthography, etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'. Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: Bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, super.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences, Cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography
(Time, one hour)

1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of N.A.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fermandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth.

Imagine a college student who went to public school trying to pass this test, even if the few outdated questions were modernized.
Words of the Sentient:

"If you would rule the world quietly, you must keep it amused." I notice too, that the ground on which eminent public servants urge the claims of popular education is fear: `This country is filling up with thousands and millions of voters, and you must educate them to keep them from our throats.'
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
Whenever is found what is called a paternal government, there is found state education. It has been discovered that the best way to ensure implicit obedience is to commence tyranny in the nursery.
-- Benjamin Disraeli, 1874
That erroneous assumption is to the effect that the aim of public education is to fill the young of the species with knowledge and awaken their intelligence, and so make them fit to discharge the duties of citizenship in an enlightened and independent manner.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

The aim of public education is not to spread enlightenment at all; it is simply to reduce as many individuals as possible to the same safe level, to breed and train a standardized citizenry, to put down dissent and originality. That is its aim in the United States, whatever the pretensions of politicians, pedagogues and other such mountebanks, and that is its aim everywhere else.
-- H. L. Menken
I want people to be able to get what they need to live: enough food, a place to live, and an education for their children. Government does not provide these as well as private charities and businesses.
--Colonel David Crockett, member of Congress 1827-32, 1832-35
State education is a mere contrivance for molding people to be exactly alike one another; ... in proportion as it is efficient and successful, it establishes a despotism over the mind, leading by a natural tendency to one over the body.
-- John Stuart Mill, 1859
When an opponent declares, "I will not come over to your side," I calmly say, "Your child belongs to us already...What are you? You will pass on. Your descendants, however, now stand in the new camp. In a short time they will know nothing else but this new community."
-- Adolf Hitler, on public education.

source: http://www.mega.nu:8080/ampp/kaz/test.html
original source: http://www.smart.net/~kaz/test.html

Joseph Aaron Natale (or whatever your middle name is),

On behalf of all of us here at the Wily Beaver, I would like to request that you post your Business Journal column to the Wily Beaver so that we can read it when it. Since none of us subscribe to the Business Journal, but most of us think that you are pretty funny, we would enjoy reading your column.

Please and thank you,
W. Beaver