He definately had a courage problem. I'm sure he was plenty graceful in his final moments, just as much as he was a pussy.

Suicide is the easy way out for people without the will or know-how to face life's obstacles. Ok, I'm sounding a bit preachy here. I think in some way all deaths are suicidal. I've just been reading the chapter on depression and suicide in our health book. Just talking about suicide to someone is enough to stop the act, the book says. One statisitic stated that men commit suicide more often, but women make more attempts.

Plus, I watched a show on the way the Palistinian's hold martyrdumb in such high regards, which is just sick. Murder and suicide is abhorrent to me, and certain religious teachers in the Middle East preach it as being holy and right.

I was at The Space and listening to some left-wing political science majors, including a professor out at UIS, say things such as, "I'm gonna die anyway, I may as well take these bastards out with me" and "I can understand these Palistinian suicide bombers." The first guy was referring to CEO's of Bechtal, which is buying up water rights in some third world country, a despicable thing, to be sure.

Maybe they were only joking but, I did not find it funny. I'm not in a good mood today, not after last night seeing Bianca with the new boyfriend. I keep catching myself thinking victim thoughts, as if I'm the one who was so hurt and betrayed. I knew what I was getting in to. These thoughts in my head, they are not even mine or relevant to the present, and I have trouble stopping them. Why can't I concentrate on what went right in that brief interlude, like the intimacy and love that I felt? Instead I focus on the loss and abandonment with the fierceness and singularity of purpose of a laser beam. My thoughts always go back to that, always.

I could just be tired. I was master of my universe for a few hours last night, seeing the world with magnanimousness and perfect optimistic clarity. I'm just down for the moment, that has to be it.

But this bullshit issue of seeing the world the the eyes of a victim is a serious problem for me. I'm working hard to eradicate it. Really, really hard. I hate it. It is so useless. It stops me from getting into action. When I'm working and playing the thoughts go away. It is when I stop for too long that they creep back, like the nightmarish oily fingers sinking into my heart and brain.

"Hemingway got close to this when he said "cowardice . . . is almost always simply a lack of ability to suspend the functioning of the imagination." Fighting is traumatic, and good fighting requires insensitivity, the ability to "suspend the functioning of the imagination." Guys that get scared are thinking too much, worried about getting hurt, going to jail, getting shot later. The best scappers are existentialists to the core, living for right now. Or are just idiots, unable to grasp abstract future consequences. Whatever the case, all that matters is doing damage to that guy in front of you. "

http://gangstories.com/

"In reality, few guys actually carry out paybacks. The reason is simple. Once emotions have cooled and time passes, few people stay angry enough to put their lives on hold and launch a revenge assault. Having that internal fire, that anger that never seems to fade, is what set the gangsters apart from the rest of the neighborhood. It takes a special brand of crazyness to be willing to track someone down at their work a month after being robbed and club them down with a stick, or worse. You've got to have either nothing to lose, or a deeply pathological nature, or both. Thankfully, that's rare. "

WANTED: GUEST BLOGGERS Got a neighborhood crime story you'd like to tell? Be a guest blogger on GangStories.com!

http://gangstories.com/

So I'm super sad today. Guess why?



1932-2003

Do what I do Matt. I just reach for clean clothes. I may not look the best, but really, who am I trying to impress?

You don't need a gay man for that.

To make this post seem longer here's a Rita Mae Brown quote:

Statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Yeah, Matt, count me in.

I'm looking sexy today people. You should see me. Except I put on a belt that clashes. I need a gay man to help me get dressed in the morning. I'm always late to work because I decide what to wear at the last minute. It rarely works that I throw a good outfit together in five minutes.

Who wants to be my gay man?

Matt, remember to hit publish or your posts don't show up.

"I'm a British tourist
And I'm very very rude.
I hate the foreigners
I hate their stinking food.

I don't like French or Germans
Or care for Belgians much
But most of all, most of all
I hate the Dutch!

The Dutch, the Dutch
With fingers in their dikes
They use the wrong side of the road
And ride around on bikes.

They don't have any manners
They don't say "thanks" or "please"
And all they eat is tulips
And stinking gouda cheese."

British Tourist,
John Dowie

Rock like a hurricane perhaps?

Where is this spell check? I want to give it a workout.

So you're going to beat him up in 12 hours regardless of his answer?

Hey, they put new features including spellcheck on this blogger. Righto.

I am not NOT coming with you to see Plaid on November 14th?

I want you beavers to know that you rock me so hard; and also, you rock.

The horrible sucking noise?

Yes, that is the sound.

What is the sound of no beavers posting?

Really? That is great news.

It ain't over till the fat little girl sings.

Horray!!!

No American deaths in Iraq in past week!!!!

Ok, thanks.

Matt,
"This page cannot be displayed" Sorry--------- try again!!

Will someone please try this link and tell me if it works? Sooner the better. thanks.

AVERY BRUNDAGE SCHOLARSHIP INFORMATION & APPLICATION

beethoven had to be a pretty depressed guy to write an ode to joy. Was joy that rare for him that when he was feeling it he was like, "Praise be to the Heavens! I must pen an ode to this sublime emotion!"

am I the ONLY beaver around today? I guess working part time has given me tooooo much time !

Question of the day.... what is the best way to cram for two tests tomorrow?

"For the global economic outlook, the new report projects anemic growth of 1.5 percent in 2003 in the industrialized world, well below potential. It foresees better performance next year, as industrial countries' growth rises to 2.5 percent. Developing countries are somewhat more buoyant than industrial countries, growing at 4 percent in 2003, and, if the recovery stays on track, at 4.9 percent in 2004. World trade is projected to grow by 4.6 percent, slightly more than last year, but still less than half the rate in 2000."

Cancun Trade Talks an Opportunity to Lift Millions Out of Poverty

E. coli has a single circular DNA molecule of 4,600,000 base pairs. The total length is 1.4 mm.

I can't drive to chicago, but i want to go to see some electronic music productions.

What is Kerry drinking? I only vote for candidates who drink Hamm's out of a can.