He definately had a courage problem. I'm sure he was plenty graceful in his final moments, just as much as he was a pussy.

Suicide is the easy way out for people without the will or know-how to face life's obstacles. Ok, I'm sounding a bit preachy here. I think in some way all deaths are suicidal. I've just been reading the chapter on depression and suicide in our health book. Just talking about suicide to someone is enough to stop the act, the book says. One statisitic stated that men commit suicide more often, but women make more attempts.

Plus, I watched a show on the way the Palistinian's hold martyrdumb in such high regards, which is just sick. Murder and suicide is abhorrent to me, and certain religious teachers in the Middle East preach it as being holy and right.

I was at The Space and listening to some left-wing political science majors, including a professor out at UIS, say things such as, "I'm gonna die anyway, I may as well take these bastards out with me" and "I can understand these Palistinian suicide bombers." The first guy was referring to CEO's of Bechtal, which is buying up water rights in some third world country, a despicable thing, to be sure.

Maybe they were only joking but, I did not find it funny. I'm not in a good mood today, not after last night seeing Bianca with the new boyfriend. I keep catching myself thinking victim thoughts, as if I'm the one who was so hurt and betrayed. I knew what I was getting in to. These thoughts in my head, they are not even mine or relevant to the present, and I have trouble stopping them. Why can't I concentrate on what went right in that brief interlude, like the intimacy and love that I felt? Instead I focus on the loss and abandonment with the fierceness and singularity of purpose of a laser beam. My thoughts always go back to that, always.

I could just be tired. I was master of my universe for a few hours last night, seeing the world with magnanimousness and perfect optimistic clarity. I'm just down for the moment, that has to be it.

But this bullshit issue of seeing the world the the eyes of a victim is a serious problem for me. I'm working hard to eradicate it. Really, really hard. I hate it. It is so useless. It stops me from getting into action. When I'm working and playing the thoughts go away. It is when I stop for too long that they creep back, like the nightmarish oily fingers sinking into my heart and brain.