According to one unnamed senior al-Qaida associate, various ideas were floated by mujahadeen in Afghanistan, the commission said. The options included taking over a launcher and forcing Russian scientists to fire a nuclear missile at the United States, mounting mustard gas or cyanide attacks against Jewish areas in Iraq or releasing poison gas into the air conditioning system of a targeted building.

This article was stolen by Me, and it was stolen from CNN. This came from the 9-11 commision. Are you geniuses scared yet?

Can you imagine these geniuses taking over a Russian launcher, and then forcing Russian scientists to fire a nuke at the US? Could that really happen? I think we should talk to the Russians about that.

Hey Matt. This is Mike Mann. I am the most popular beaver.

Did you guys hear George Bush fell off his bike? John Kerry asked if it was because he took his training wheels off. How funny is that?

Matt, your "humor is dead" link doesn't work because the site went down after it came to the conclusion that the phrase "(something) is dead" is dead. Now that is funny.

Oh, and also Matt, I cannot come and visit you because I've come to the realization that you are a complete psychopath.

This girl at work today (who has an incredle ass) told me today that she is on anti-psychotics. I wanted to tell her that I knew already, but I kept my mouth shut.

I think we should take anti-psychotics.

All right. All right. I am going to do an impression now:

"I don't know why you people don't get it. Are you really so stupid that you can't see that we are at war with these people. These people want to kill you, and you want to protect them. And that is exactly what is going to happen if you vote for that man. Are you people really that stupid?"

"Actually I wanted to speak to the one with the blue feathers, would you mind asking him to step over here for a moment.

I'd like to talk to him about that pile of shit he deposited on my baby's head while we were walking in the park."

"Hey you two - up on the wire. Would you mind flying down here so I can have a word with you?"

I've tooken up bird calling guys. It's really fun. You make these sounds, and all these birds gather around you.

I'm going to try and sound out my pigean call so I can share my experiance with the rest of you.

It goes like this: "Hey you with the feathers, would you mind stepping over here for a moment?"

I know what I'm going to blog about: how fucking hot it is in this house. Is anybody else fucking hot? I mean really fucking hot.

damn hot

whoo

Hey geniuses (that's my new name for you guys - Geniuses)

In case you geniuses didn't know, I bought a new car. A Mercedes. Yeah. That's right. A Benzo.

So anyway, I just got a lot cooler.

What are you dorks driving these days?

I'm sorry. I meant to say: What are you geniuses driving these days?

I'm managing Joe's Fantasy Baseball league while he's out vacationing in D.C.

The name of his team is nien inch snails - which is a pretty funny name, by all accounts. I think it's German, but I could be wrong.

The team he's put together is a talented bunch, but they're just not performing to the standards that they should be. I'm thinking about using corporal punishment.

that is..... beautifully....


Poetic

It's hard to blog knowing that reagan is dead. I mean, what's the the point anymore?

I feel so sorry for him. Laying there dead in the capital rotonda in Washington. So hard, and dead. And everybody walking around him for hours on end. And him just lying there lifeless. And dead.

So dead.

It's hard to believe that Reagan is dead. At least not until The Onion does an article on it.

It's 1988, Reagans DEAD.

MASS SUICIDE! - does anyone know who sang that song?

"We are the sons of Reagan. Sieg heil!" - Reagan Youth

I'm over at the Komanecky's bashing their chi, and I just realized that the Wily Beavers basically consists of Matt, Moni, Wanless, and myself. What with all the nicknames and all it sounds like their is a lot more of us. Which explains why no one liked my psychic friend joke. I'd be happy if one in ten liked my jokes, and there are really only four people right now participating on the blog.

My parents never explained morning wood to me. That's something that the public schools should make up myths about. I got five dollars for the beaver who can come up with the best morning wood myth.

I think our children would be better off. You are absolutely correct.

All righty then. Tell me if you think this is cool. When you wake up in the morn and you got the stale mouth racket going on, you say: "man, I think the breath fairy visited me and took a shit in my mouth."

That would be a wonderful thing to tell our children.

Booooooo.

All right. Tell me if I'm stupid for thinking this is cool.

I think it would be cool to have a friend who is psychic. But the only thing he can "sense" is wether or not a person in the immediate vicinity has to take a shit.

So imagine a scenerio. Your walking through the park with your psychic friend and a cute girl passes by and says hi. Your psychic friend gets a premonition and then says, "she's really gotta take a shit."

One of my favorites times of the day is just after the Komaneckys have made a fresh batch of coffee, right around five in the evening. Misses Komanecky is usually elbow deep in her hot glue gun, while her son Matthew is usually getting gassed in the other room drinking incredibly strong and bitter coffee.

Matt Komanecky gassed on coffee is really funny stuff.

How come everytime I go over to Matt K's house I get treated like I'm some kind of rabid dog? They (Matt K. and his Mother) are always accusing my of sabatoging their "Chi."

Does anyone else have a similar problem with the Komaneckys?

If so, keep it to yourselves. The Komaneckys are a sensitive bunch and have been known to engage in fits of crying.

I'm pretending to blog right now, so I don't have to help Matt out with his stupid school project. Has anyone else been suckered into helping Matt out with any of his boring projects? Oh my God. I'd rather be anywhere but there helping him. I mean does he know how boring it is? He asks all these questions, and I don't know what to tell him, and I could just care less anyway. It's the pretending that I care that's is most painful.

Have you considered anything gay south of the border matt?

I've heard the most hauntingly uplifting version of "Chapel of Love" by the Dixie Cups sung by an all-gay male vocal choir.

I'm crying just thinking about it.

Or rather, we must recruit the gay Canadians, and get some of that Scottish Glasgow magic.

Hot Hot Heat - Formed Victoria, British Columbia, Canada
Broken Social Scene - Formed 1999 in Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Belle & Sebastian - Formed 1995 in Glasgow, Scotland
Franz Ferdinand Formed 2001 in Glasgow, Scotland

I need fifteen people a la Belle and Sebastian in my band. We must take music back from the gay Canadians.

I need your help in the creation of my concept album. (It's called a concept album because that is all it will ever be: a concept.)

I want to incorporate a sound, song, lyric, style, tune, melody, instrument, etc. that resonates with you deeply on some level into this album. No sound or song is off limits. The more diverse, the better.

Give me your most special songs people. We are going to rip them off and call them our "influences."


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Notes on the greatest recording of all time.


Track listing and album flow
The trick and talent will be a successfull merging of musical styles

It must have the right amount of diversity: Ask yourself, "What's missing?"


The track order and composition WILL change
1. Vocal choirwork beautiful harmonies/male-female

2. Grinding hellcore

3. 80's throwback/Joy Division/meloncholy/bursts of energy

4. Sounds like: British Sea Power - Apologies To Insect Life
"Oh Fyodor you are the most attractive man
Oh Fyodor you are the most attractive man I know,
Your Russian heart is strong and has been bleeding for too long"

5. RIPOFF: HOT HOT HEAT - Make Up The Breakdown
"Bandages on my legs and my arms from you
Bandages, bandages, bandages"


6. Hip-hop lyrical stylings of the street/underground

7. Erik Fliege obsessive compulsive droning track with guitar/drum machine orgasm buildup

8. Ambient break - rising into faster beats/ becoming aphex twin

9. expoding into lo-fi feminist punk/Le tigre/ sleater-kinney

10. Bagpipe music for a funeral


11. synth-mod-hipster coffee drinker beat -
doot doot doot doot doot doot
doot doot doot doot doot doot
dee dee doot

12. a Bob Dylan moment

13. The word "utilitarianism"

14. Calculator Math Rock: screaming horror choruses in between the most whiny, bittersweet, sentimental, "you're are part of Meeeee!" emo crap. 2 + 7 = I hate your guts go!

15. playing cards

16. 50's "gee yr swell" ballad. This is to be our first single.

17. Respectful quality folk. Doc Watson bluegrass finger-plucking brilliance. Seqway into Really quiet movie jazz. Trumpet sounds to guide us through the bees, mostly quiet.

18 -40. ?

It's a standard "kill hippie" dream, nothing to worry about. Let's focus on the joy you felt about being excommunicated from California.

Most people would upset if they were denied travel to and from a place, but you were "overjoyed", why?

matt--------- I'm in the library... 3rd floor.... save me

delusions of grandeur are beginning to set in

The library is a cold, cold place to be this Tuesday morning. Somebody turn up the freakin heat!
This environment is NOT conducive to studying.

Everywhere I go in this town I see Matt Komanecky. Is this some kind of a curse????


HELP!

who is "me"?

I finally found a roomate. and he is me.

Totally sane.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Check out Neck Face ya'll. His work is sane.

Have any of you beavers been paying attention to this Neck Face artist? He's graffiti man coming out of Boston. Anyway, I think we should put some of his graffiti up on the blog.

Why don't you get started on that Matt K?

I took an on-line questionnaire to figure out which candidate I have to vote for, and the results are in. Apparently I really like John Kerry, but I also like Bush.

Are you really Howard Dean?

LOVE AND TRACTORS
Did you love a tractor? Have you fallen in love on a tractor? We want to hear you love & tractor stories. Send us your story at ....

Ok. that's more like it.

YOUR PRINCESS MOMENT
Send us a story of when you were acting like a princess and you could win a PRINCESS DIARIES library, five books, signed by the author Meg Cabot! Send us your story at...

Ok. that is insane.

I didn't know you were operating on two blogs Beaver Dean.

How come I was never invited to this other blog, and is the answer to that last question "because you are afraid I'll take over as most popular blogger?"

Anyway. wh't's the url on th's oth'r bl"g? And are th'y as big on contr'action's as we are on t'his blog?

"I never knew anyone from Saskatchewan who didn't know how to dial a telephone." Author, unkown song on the radio.

I like Zen Buddhism.

In Zen Buddhism you can say one thing definitively and mean the exact opposite at the same time, like "less is more."

What?

"Always keep a diamond in your mind." Wait, that was Tom Waits, but it is kind of Zen.

"I am overrun by tiny ants, crawling on my arms as I rest my wrists on the keyboard." That is for real, not Zen at all. I really do have ants crawling everywhere at my work.

Another reason I haven't been blogging is because I've been a bit depressed due to the fact that I haven't had sex in a long time and my Grandpa died.

So If any of you beavers know somebody who could help me out with a hummer, or bring my Grandpa back to life, that would be great.

Does anyone have any suggestions for some good pirate movies? I just got done watching Pirates of Silicon Valley and Pirates - a film by Roman Polanski.

Next on my list is Ice Pirates and The Pirates and The Jews Invade Cairo - recommeded by my good Arab friend from my Job - Faruk.

Faruk's pretty cool. He's always trying to convince everybody at work that he's not an Iraqi or a terrorist. It's really funny.

I see Howard Dean has joined our Blog. I think that's wonderful. I would like to take this oppurtunity to challenge him to an arm wrestling match. ? No. On second thought I think it would be wiser to challenge him to a long jump competition. Yee ha!

I like John Kerry. He reminds me of the second step-father that I never had. However, I agree with the commercials that are attacking Kerry for not being good at national defense. I'm afraid that if he does become president he will fly an airplane into a major building. I'm think something like that might have a devestating affect on the moral of Americans.

Speaking of the morale of Americans, whatever happened to all the pro-war rallies?

Nice job Monica! You're really pushing out the nieces and nephews.

I apologize for my absence from the beav, but I had another horrible farming accident and had to wait for my fingers to grow back.

For those of you keeping track that's twice that's happened.

Congratulations.... I'm an aunt!! (again)

It's always good to start out with a plan to lose
that way they can truly call themselves losers

They could have. But that would ruin there plans to lose the election.

and last, but certainly most least (hmmm)

Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Michael............. Happy birthday to you................

is anybody here a resume expert? (not you Matt--I know YOU aren't)

aren't friends supposed to be "flowers. beautiful flowers"?

I second that.


On another topic, here's one of my pet peeves.
I hate it when people say, "Can I ask you a favor?"
It really irritates me. Why don't they just ask me the fucking question? I'll either say yes or no. Are they poorly trying to trick me into continuing to say yes to whatever they say after that? After I allow them to ask me for the favor does that set a precedence that I must now agree to said favor in some sort of weird social contract? From now on when ever someone says that to me I'm just going to say no. NO NO NO!

BORING!!

Oh my Dearest Matt,
I thank thee for thoust promptest reply. However, I haft decideth to go forthwith a song entitled "We Are (eth) thy World" The elements of persuasion are abounding (if that's a word) in thus song.
Have a most Beauticious day.
Yours Sincerely,
Monica

Sisco - The Thong Song: Persuades women across America to show everyone there underwear. (Wearing thongs is more acceptable and popular now)

"(Whoa)
She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
Baby move your butt butt butt
(Ooh)

CHORUS

(I like it when the beat goes da na da na)
(Baby make your booty go da na da na)
(Girl I know you wanna show da na da na)
(That thong th thong thong thong)"

Prince - 1999: Convinces the listener to hurry up and party before the new year's bash ends and we all die.

"If U didn't come 2 party, don't bother knockin' on my door
I got a lion in my pocket and, baby, he's ready 2 roar (Yeah)
Everybody's got a bomb, we could all die any day (Oh)
But before I let that happen, I'll dance my life away
Oh, they say 2000 zero zero party over, oops, out of time!
(We're runnin' out of time)
So 2night I'm gonna party like it's 1999! (We gonna, we gonna, oh!)
Say it one more time
2000 zero zero party over, oops, out of time! (No, no)"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

That is all I have to say today.

I need help quickly. I need lyrics to a song. Any song where the lyrics are persuasive will do..... can anybeave help? PLEASE!!!

no howard. I'm not pissed. Didn't you read..... Monica doesn't get pissed.

"If Monica doesn't get pissed, how can she not like Howard Dean?" - Howard Dean

Did I piss you off somehow?

Dear Howard Dean,
Fuck off... Monica doesn't get pissed. (Did I type that out loud?)

"Wow! Sounds like Monica's fucking pissed!" - Howard Dean

On another note, I'd like to invite all my supporters to vote for John Kerry. Yes, he viciously attacked me on several occasions but now I suprisingly support him. Who would have seen that one coming? Not I says the wise old owl.

Whoa Whoa Whoa! CAREFUL!! What do you mean?
This Josh guy is only the most fantastic man I've ever met.
AND you should never start a sentence with and.
And was last night the first night you had ever met Billy? He is the funniest guy!

Who the hell is this Josh guy? I mean, where did he come from? And to whence is he going? And will he even vote in this year's election?

John Kerry went to mass in his ski outfit!

I say "No sir, that's bad fucking sauce." - Howard Dean

Here's something that was on my blog:

~Top Reasons to Vote Kerry List~

1.He has an FBI file.
2.He has big hair.
3.He was great in "The Lord of the Rings".
4.He can talk out of both sides of his mouth at the same time,without moving his eyebrows.(now THAT'S talent)
5.He cusses like a drunken sailor.(I can relate to that)
6.He most likely can speak in complete and understandable sentences.
7.He is taller than a shrub.
8.He can speak 3 foreign languages flawlessy,as well as broken English.
9.He most likely does not lick himself;thus avoiding those hazardous hairballs.(had to be there)
10.His wife has balls.(tough chicks ROCK!!)
11.He wears a pink tie.
12.He's better than a grilled cheese sandwich.(that's a matter of opinion.)
13.He has a good arm for throwing things over fences.
14.He has great balance..."You son of a bit*h!"
15.As much as he likes ketchup,he never puts it on his hot dogs.(I can respect that)
16.He can watch TV and eat pretzels at the same time.
17.He's a cure for insomnia.
and last but not least...
18.He already has a memorial on Easter Island!

Remember to check my DFA site!!!

Mattie--

I have a picture for you from Ebben's Halloween Party. Don't let me forget to give it to you.

Yeah... he's a crazy fuckin guy!!
(howard dean.... not my dad)

I love this new Howard Dean.

"Happy fucking birthday Monica's dad!" - Howard Dean

Today is my dad's 60th birthday. Happy Birthday POPS!!!

Howard Dean has become very vulgar and cynical if I may say so.
He should lay off the "f" word.

"Fuck you and your Heinz condiments!" -Howard Dean

"Can I speak to your fry cook?" - Howard Dean

"These fuck*** corndogs cost too much!"

Here is a little Howard Dean humor for all you wiley beavers out there........

Dean is a doctor but he acts more like a postal worker!" —Jay Leno

Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? Here's a little tip Howard — cut back on the Red Bull." —David Letterman

Howard Dean finished in third — his lead lasted about as long as Britney Spears' marriage." —Craig Kilborn

Hello Beavers
Thanks to everyone for the birthday cards. I truly appreciate it. This is the only time of the year when I feel that I can expect Attention from everyone. I love it. The memphis trip was okay. The weather was beautiful.

As for Howard Dean at the cozy dog.... i hope he was able to illicit many illinois voters in to promising him their votes.

Was he swearing profusely like John Kerry?

Beavers!!! You're never going to guess who I saw today at the Cozy Dog. It was Howard Dean. He was making a scene - apparently all riled up about the price of corn dogs. Man does he ever have a pair of lungs.

Some dumb whore once told me men were dogs, so I guess I should be aroused by both smells.

The sewage treatment plant must be the sexiest place on earth!

Dogs are more sexually aroused by the smell of butt then humans are. That's the birds and bees for you.

Men are more sexually aroused by water then women are. I'm going to go get a glass of water right now.

OFFICIAL BIRTHDAY COUNTDOWN:

6 days

All cards can be addressed to

Monica Maher
808 S MacArthur Blvd
Springfield, IL 62704

Thank you.

assuming that Mike is the MPB... I called you and didn't leave a message like you called me 3 times friday night and didn't leave a message. I tried answering and you hung up on me the first time. The second time you just didn't say anything. the third time i didn't answer so you could leave a message and you didn't.
WHAT WAS UP WITH THAT???

I trust all of you have been watching the Last Temptation of Christ tonight on Bravo.

I certainly learned something after watching that film, and that is if your gaurdian angel convinces you to get back together with your old whore girlfriend, then she's probably not your gaurdian angel. She's probably Satan.

Have you numb skulls been reading bianca's diary lately? In one of her entries she complains about guys because she's always on the bottom when she fucks, and all the guys she fucks being too heavy, and she's got bruises and is sore all the time. Cry me a river baby! Why doesn't she ride in the front seat every now and then.

Am I right? Yeah?

It's that time of the month again when I think we should all vote for our favorite beaver.

The one who gets the most votes will be given the title: "most popular beaver." Since I am the administator of this god forsaken blog I will be the only one to vote.

Too bad for rest of you but that's the rules.

Hey kids!

It's that time of the month again for me to pretend like I give a damn about the blog. Here's some stupid garbage I've thought up.

Joke #1 Why don't ducks wear pants? Because if they did, then Monica wouldn't think they look funny.

Joke #2 Why did Monica call me up this morning and not leave a message. Because she saw a duck not wearing any pants and started laughing so hard she forgot she called me!

oh shit.... funny

Women are more sexually aroused by fire than men are. That's just the truth.

You do not need to see my identification.
This is not the droid you are looking for.

So Matt, are you going to be attending the lecture by Kennedy at UIS tomorrow?

sorry to disappoint. I was becoming emotionally disturbed whenever I logged on and there were no responses or no new blogs. I just can't handle rejection.

What the fuck?

I participated and this is how I found out?

Shame on you Monica...Shame on you.

And finally folks.... I need volunteers to partcipate in an interview session. I will be posting several questions on the blog in the next week or so and need some feedback. This will be for one of my classes. I appreciate any help.

PS---My birthday is in exactly 12 days (incase anybody forgot or cares). Gifts may be forwarded to Memphis, Tennessee as that is where I will be celebrating my day of birth.