My face is swollen with some kind of allergic reaction or bacteria or monkeypox or something. I like the look: Mad Max meets burn victim. The redness and itching is around my right eye and under my chin, and the rest of my face is slightly puffy.

What's worse is that the itching has spread to my weiner. How embarrasing is that? It's like I have crabs or something, trying not to scratch. Should I take my penis to the doctor?

"Doctor, I think you should have a look at this."

"Could you put the cream on a little slower please?"

"You know doctor, you have a sexy ass. I can tell even through the lab coat you are a beautiful woman."